Monday, November 22, 2010

random heavy thoughts part 2 (or something like that)

 I do feel as though I should continue writing. It is my saga (I have a tiny bit of drama queen in me) and I think it will be therapeutic to put into words what has been going on in my head. If it seems too much like I am complaining or whining, I apologize! 

So I had some thoughts that I feel I need to get out and that is why I sit here at 7:30 am writing it out. 
I thought I needed to begin where I feel it all started and see where it goes from there.

Last October a little over a year ago. 
I was helping to plan a wedding, well more accurately I was catering the wedding. A huge affair. One of the biggest weddings I have ever done. Because you see I have only done 2 and they were both really big! Any how there was a ton to be done and I had the most amazing crew ever. I felt like I had everything organized.

I not only did the wedding reception, but also the rehearsal dinner, and helped with the bridal shower as well. Mind you I am not complaining I am just trying to put things in perspective.

Check out these bridal lingerie shower cookies we came up with.   

Then 2 weeks after the big wedding Justin and I renewed our wedding vows and had a large ceremony, which was extremely stressful for me. Happy but stressful! the first wedding was right before Thanksgiving and my ceremony was like 3 weeks later. I had not even thought about Christmas at this point.
Check out these pics
I forgot to mention that between the above photo

 and the photo below, we got our tattoos! Instead of exchanging rings.

Yesterday I grounded my kids, They were forced to clean their rooms. In the meanwhile I got sucked in to helping just a little bit. And in Ashton's Closet there was a gift we received when we renewed our vows. It felt like my birthday! I had no idea it was even there!!! I don't even remember receiving it. Justin just laughed at me. So I really do believe I am or was going crazy.

Eventually Christmas rolled around. Not quite sure how it all went down, I know we apparently survived because I am still here. I don't remember a whole lot about it though.

So during this whole time I was homeschooling my kids. I had the kids enrolled in a virtual academy, using the same curriculum I always had. However the staff at this particular School made things extremely stressful for me! I was constantly upset with them and under a ton of pressure. Needless to say we did not re-enroll with them this year.
Well, as spring of 2010 rolled around I started having heart palpitations and what felt like mini anxiety attacks. I still get a few now and again but basically they have subsided. I went through test after test and even had to wear a heart monitor, but I am in good shape! Nothing wrong here.

During the summer break I was completely convinced that I was going to get my whole house in order and get all of my office/school room/craft room organized. I even got myself started on the fly lady program! Swish and swipe the toilet and sink everyday....shine your sink every night....get dressed to shoes first thing every morning....Monday home blessing hour....
well that lasted until July 18th!

I didn't mention that during this time I also had a major role in planning 4 huge Baby showers!
 Christa had twins, shower was in March.

Natalie had a boy, shower was in May.

 Erin had twins, shower was in September

Mandy is having a girl, shower was in November.

So far a really busy year!  But if we back up a bit, I will tell you about that day in July. The day after my 34th birthday. The day when I was called and told my baby sister was in a Life Flight chopper on it's way to the University Hospital. I was worried but determined not to freak out YET.
She was in the hospital for 36 days, her injuries were extreme. She was on life support, for the first 6 days, in a coma as well. She broke her back, had a brain injury, broken pelvis, internal bleeding, had her spleen removed, and part of her intestines  as well.   I practically lived at the hospital for the first 18 days of that. Then we decided taking turns would be easiest. It came at a bit of a cost though. My daughter is extremely clingy now. She is 10, and she used to be able to have sleepovers away from home. But not anymore. She just can't handle it.

After Abi got home from the hospital my mom had to leave town for 10 days. She needed the break too. Abi, moved into my house. She was a good patient. Caring for someone with her extent of injuries is exhausting. Even though she could eat and take care of her most basic needs, I felt like I was always on guard. I had to shower her, do her hair, change her dressings. At first it was me doing the work but I soon got her to start helping. She was able to wash up and I only needed to do her hair which was a whole other emotional mine field, she lost a ton of hair every time we washed.  Getting her out of the shower was another matter entirely. She had lost so much weight that she would just freeze, she was skin and bones. It was the end of August and I would have to turn on the electric blanket and get the bed good and warm. Line it with towels, help her to the bed, get her brace off, cover her in towels and the electric blanket and watch her shiver for an hour. Then we would redress her wound and get her dressed. I want to take a nap just thinking about it!

Then my husband went hunting in early October. I always go crazy overboard with the emotional baggage I have, when it comes time for him to go hunting. I cry, I give him hell. Well this year was different. He asked if I was ok when he was getting ready to leave. I told him, "I'm fine, in fact I don't have the energy to care that you are leaving." And that was not a lie and it was not being mean it was just the truth of where I was at. I was empty of anything even remotely resembling myself. I had to get through everyday of this last year on auto pilot, what ever that is.

I really don't know if I was depressed or exhausted or suffering from Mono, maybe all three. But what ever it was/is I hope it is over and I want to make sure I don't go back there ever again.  

So Much more seems to be happening or happened and I just don't have time right now to put it all down. I am still homeschooling my kids, and this time around I am enjoying it!

 Right now it is time for school, and then I have to figure out what dessert I am taking to Thanksgiving Dinner, go shopping, take back my over due library books, etc....

You know they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I want to look into the future and say, "See there, you survived that hellish year and look at you now!"


Little Messy Missy said...

WOW what a year!

Jenn Heatwole said...

I'm not sure there are even words to to express my heartfelt response to your outpouring of emotion from this last year. To say I understand in small part seems like an understatement. To say I'm thankful that you were able to share, and be vulnerable with us all, seems not nearly enough. Thank you you Sister!!

Loose Sparrow Arts N Crafts said...

Wow, it sounds like it was time for BOTH of us to unload. When going through problems we always are well aware that others are going through worse, or that what we are going through could be worse, but that doesn't stop the hurt-or exhaustion-or anxiety-or whatever other unpleasantness we feel. You are a strong lady and have a lot of people around you who love you soooo much. You are like a little mother to everyone, and need to take more time for yourself, and those others will understand. When it gets to the point that holidays with your family are a blur, you need to slow down---this coming from another mommy to many who could use a little of my own advice. I love you, Stacelina. I hope this new year will be a little better for us both!

Fisher Family said...

Thinking of you today! I hope you have a great week this week. Take care and you are simply an amazing woman.